Glorious Messiness and Hope

So...again, I don't have much to report on regarding The Well Project. I wanted, however, to let you know where my heart is here at Advent. Bless you all.


"It was thousands of years ago and thousands of miles away, but it is a visit that for all our madness and cynicism and indifference and despair we have never quite forgotten. The oxen in their stalls. The smell of hay. The shepherds standing around. That child and that place... this story that faith tells in the fairy tale language of faith is not just that God is, which God knows is a lot to swallow in itself much of the time, but that God comes. Comes here. "In great humility." There is nothing much humbler than being born; naked, totally helpless, not much bigger than a loaf of bread. But with righteousness and faithfulness the girdle of his loins. And to us came. For us came. Is it true- not just the way fairy tales are true but as the truest of all truths? When you are standing up to your neck in darkness, how do you say yes to that question?... You say it with your heart in your mouth... He visited us. The world has never been quite the same since. It is still a very dark world, but the darkness is different because he keeps getting born into it....”Frederick Buechner.

Every time I read the above I am caught by it’s divine inspiration. There is no way a man could write something that makes me stop in my tracks without being part of the breath of God. I keep reading it over and over and trying to figure out why it is so meaningful to me. I think it is the contrast and the detail. The smell of hay and humility…and all is forever different because He keeps getting born into it. The hope. The glorious messiness and hope all at once.

This has been an interesting advent for us. I am expecting our fourth child. Due any day. I go to sleep at night wondering if this will be the night that I wake up in labor. Every morning I wake up thinking that today is precious somehow because soon all will change. All will change in a beautiful way but with hardship. Everyone with a new baby knows that like I described Buechner’s rendition of the birth of Jesus, it is full of both glorious messiness and hope. Birth is a messy process taking much endurance. There is nothing more hopeful than the smell in the crook of new baby’s neck. And the joy, the deep, deep joy of meeting this new little person. It is breathtaking.

This morning is particularly striking that way. We woke up to snow. Beautiful, thick, heavy, clean and bright. My children seem especially delightful and my husband especially strong and kind. It’s like because I know that I will be having another focus soon, I can see them a bit clearer. And because I am “waiting” all is a little stiller than normal. I am not out planning and doing because I don’t know if I will be in the hospital or at home. I take each day as it comes. And the pace is sweeter and there is more room for rest and thoughtfulness and fun.

And I do think of Mary. I think of what it must have been like for her. Did she do the same thing in greater measure? Did each day seem particularly wonderful to her because of the change about to make her life topsy-turvey. What was it like to be expecting the son of God? I wonder if the incredulity of it all kept her eyes heavenward? Or when she woke up each morning did she breathe a sigh of relief that she at least had one more day of normal? When she got kicked in the ribs or couldn’t sleep because of Jesus’ activity in the womb, what kind of tenderness did she imagine him with?

And then I also wonder about God’s heart. What would it be like to be God waiting to reveal the greatest rescue in the oddest package? Was it one of those magnified moments of anticipation….like when I can’t wait to see the face of one of my kids because of the genius of a present I’ve gotten them? Or that secret smile you wear when you are about to tell your spouse that you are indeed pregnant? Or the settled satisfaction when you’ve done something incredible physically…like run a marathon or climbed a mountain? Are these glimpses of the heart of God in his anticipatory yet all knowing glee in giving us such a gift? Some days I so wish the veil between us was less than a breath. I can’t wait for the day it will be.

So, I leave you with these thoughts of mine. Imagine God in his anticipatory glee, Mary in her tender expectation, and Jesus in his strange baby power waiting to be born into our world to rescue us from ourselves and bring us to the heart of God.

Let’s allow our dwelling here to tell the story that he indeed continues to be born into this world of ours…

Living Loved

Living Loved

My cousin wrote something thought provoking in his blog the other day. He titled his blog “What I need.” The focus is on when someone breathes life into you through their belief in you and their words to you.

“So you need this cool person nearby to blow some smoke up your trousers. It’s a good smoke, like cherry scented pipe smoke. It’s a sweet smelling scent and it reminds you of what you do well. So you take in a compliment and savor the compliment and roll in the compliment like a dog rolls in something that stinks for whatever reason then runs around like his butts on fire. Like the dog you are infused with life because you are concentrating on what you do well and your chest sticks out a little further and you step a little lighter and the happy thoughts come and you imagine yourself doing great things. Sometimes you allow cool music to play in the background while you are doing these cool things and through some cosmic Dallas cowboy stadium of the universe, people watch……

You will want to find someone and encourage them. You'll want to tell them how they really are because you can see it and they have probably lost sight of it. You can see what they can’t and if they'd just believe you for a few minutes they could see the future for them that you do. They would see themselves setting higher goals, or allowing lesser goals. That little part in them that wants to do more and better but is overshadowed by that little fearful bug that tells them, Nah, you’re ok like you are, you probably couldn't do it anyway, that's for lucky, better people. You might make a mistake in front of everyone and that could be catastrophic and possibly embarrassing- a fate worse than death!

But I would tell you, you know, that thing? That think you've dreamed about, or thought about, that thing that wouldn't take much more energy than your using now, wouldn't take much time, would just take a little more focus, a little more risk, a little more life. Yeah, that thing. You can do it.” Tim Rawlins

After I read Tim’s blog, I heard something that my head just can’t quite let go of. The two seem to go together.

God is not ever cynical or resigned.

Hmmm. I can’t quite get my mind around that. Even knowing he is God, I usually give God attributes that I have or more accurately, burdens that I carry.

Consider the fact that at your most encouraging moment, in those times like Tim talked about – when you really see someone for who they are and who they could be all rolled up in one, that even in those moments you only have a small piece of God’s belief in that person. In his holiness, intense love, and perfection, God is not ever cynical or resigned. When he looks at you or that person you believe in so much, he sees every ounce of their potential, every breathe he has breathed into them, every plan to prosper and not to harm them.

Wow.

To think that God might believe in me ever so much more than I believe in myself is mind-numbing to me. That means when God looks at me, he doesn’t shake his head like I do. He doesn’t think, “Why, oh, why can’t she get it right?” He sees me. The real, intended me. The me who is full of glory and wisdom, beauty and promise. I can’t see that me very often. I can see that in you….it’s easier to see that glory in you and I do want to call it out. I get so excited when I see the intentions of God in your heart. I want to do little dances and sing out all about your strength and beauty and ask everyone I know to come and see the miracle in you. But somehow, it is always a little startling when someone sees in me who God intends me to be. The words and affirmation seem like whispers of God. I usually begin to feel emotional and not very deserving.

Because…I am cynical and resigned. I have to climb out of those cages before I can see God’s heart towards me. It is daily. It’s a conscious discovery of the true nature of God. The true heart of my Father towards me.

Oh, I know he loves me. It’s living in that love that requires a daily embrace.

Beautiful Ending

I have not blogged for a long time. There is not much news on The Well Project front per se. We are still continuing to play every once in awhile and sell cd's. Our church's umbrella, Outward Projects, is still involved deeply in Uganda. Check out www.outwardprojects.com.

I write often on my Facebook page and just thought I'd throw out some food for thought.


Beautiful Ending
by barlowgirl

O, tragedy, you’ve taken so many
Love lost cause they all forgot who you were
And it scares me to think that I would choose my life over you
My selfish heart defines me from you
It tears us apart

So tell me - What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful?
So beautiful?

O why do I let myself let go
Of hands that painted the stars and hold tears that fall
And pride of my heart makes me forget
It’s not me but you who makes the heart beat
I’m lost without you, you dying for me

Will my life find me by your side
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful?

At the end of it all, I want to be in your arms
At the end of it all, I want to be in your arms
At the end of it all, I want to be in your arms

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixj6A_ZIuiI

Close your eyes. Play the above youtube link. Don’t waste time viewing the video. It’s horrible. In my mind, it ruins the song. But the words to this song captured my heart. And I want to tell you why after you hear the song.

Do you ever look around you at people who have walked the journey of loving Jesus ahead of you and wonder “What happened?” I do. Sometimes I see people who seem resigned to life and the chaos it brings, other times I see people who I know at one time were ferverently in love with Jesus now come apart at the seams by some tragedy or pain. Sometimes it’s people taken out by an affair or pornography or divorce or bankruptcy. Or at times the saddest thing is lives lived in such a small way. Consumed by pettiness, small issues, bitterness, or just this sort of sickening apathy. I see people just giving up. Most likely believing it can’t get better so why not just self-medicate, look for small pieces of happiness and let go of hope?

This all sounds like judgement. It isn’t. Not that I’m above that. It’s just not where my heart is. I get it actually. I have many times been at the brink of settling for all that. But so far, by his grace, I am still getting up, hoping for more.

I am thinking of this song…I want a beautiful ending. What pitfalls did the people I am speaking of above not make it through? What is to keep me from living a small life? How do I live in such a way that at the end of it all, I am in his arms? How do I live in his arms now? His love really is so beautiful that my throat gets thick when I really get a glimpse of him.

I think of Leigh Barkalow who said “I want to spend it all and die in his arms.” That picture just slams me.

That is adoration. That is being so moved by the sacrifice of a Father, the love of a Father, the goodness of a Father that nothing else compares to intimacy with Him. And every true beat of my heart cries out for that. It’s just the living life that gets in the way. The day in, day out living that sneaks my own heart away from me, substituting small pleasures, meaningless indulgences for the miraculous and deep love affair with God.

I am praying for a beautiful ending for me, for you, for us all. May we be satisfied with nothing less than a daily love affair with the God of the ages who calls us his friend, his love, his delight. And may this love affair so cause us to have an overflow of love in our hearts, that we can't help but leak his beauty into every aspect of community we belong to.

Mercy laden God of light

*

Last night I went for a run about 8:30pm. Summer nights here in central Oregon are pine scented and soft. I was having a hard day. Too many unresolved issues surrounding life. I felt heavy. The path I chose to run was unexplored by me and I found myself running up a lava strewn, bumpy path glimpsing the brilliant pink sky above the tree line. I could tell I might crest the hill and be able to see the end of the sunset. But I got there too late.

I was sad. I found my heart saying "Really, God? I was looking for your beauty here...I need some of your beauty to get through this stuff." Many, many times when life is overwhelming to me God will bring me to something beautiful he made to remind me of his goodness. I felt jipped. I climbed a lava rock outcropping anyway and just stood and talked to God a bit (I always wonder what someone will think if they come upon me up talking out loud to God...it hasn't happened yet but I'm sure will be an amusing story when it does!). It's a rather cloudy night and I'm just kind of bemoaning life out loud and feeling a bit lost. Then I turn around and stop - a bit breathless.

A bold, bright full moon is shining out of the clouds opposite of the sunset.

There are clouds all around it. There is no space...no big expanse of open sky for the moon to shine out of. Just clouds and moon. I get teary with hope and KNOW God is showing me his beauty, just differently than I imagined. I wasn't too late after all.

We had some grand hopes for The Well Project. We hoped there would be lots of movement....opportunities to sing...lots of CD's sold to raise money for wells. The journey hasn't been what we hoped. It's been slow. We've sold some CD's. We've sang a few times. It's difficult not to feel disappointed. Questions swirl... maybe the music doesn't speak to people? Did God really ask us to do this? Are we doing it wrong? Is it ever going to go anywhere?

We don't have too many answers. There are a few things we hold to. We are doing what we love. God made each of us to do this...so whatever the impact or result, we love doing it. Each of us has been changed for the better by the process. We've sought God differently, hoped bigger, and stepped out to risk our hearts. And we know God is God. He does things in unsearchable ways. We can't always pinpoint how the journey will unfold. And I was reminded last night...when we look for his beauty, his presence - we might not find him exactly as we imagine we will. But He WILL show up. Sometimes we have to turn around. Sometimes we have to have the faith to believe we aren't too late but right in the space he wants us.

I'll leave you with words from one of our new songs.

Not Me

I scorn how the brokenness I carry
Harms your soul and poisons your spirit
I feel hopeless, heavy and wary
Like the wound is all too inherent

O how do I live
When I am not me
I can’t find you
Do I even see?
I’m living so blindly
Living so blindly
I am not me

The truth seems foggy and far from me
A burning belief buried by my bonds
Damage tangles my heart with debris
Yet Christ is in me yearning to respond

You answer with stars that fly through the sky
With water a blue I cannot describe
Your constancy in every dark night
Mercy laden God of light

*My cousin Hannah Nord took the above picture. I love it. It seems like it is exactly how God shines brilliantly though the forest might be dark.

A few days ago I had coffee with David Uttley. David is the leader behind The Thirst Project. The Thirst Project is another effort that The Well Project joins with to raise money for wells in the Mt. Elgon region of Uganda. Both projects are part of our local church's Outward Ministries. The Well Project uses music to raise money and The Thirst Project uses photographs. I thought I would share what I wrote for David's blog here on The Well Project blog. We are using different media's to accomplish the same goals...clean water and sanitation for the people in and surrounding Kapchorwa, Uganda. Thanks for reading.

There is a village high in the Mt. Elgon region of Uganda called Mengya. It is a small village with children whose noses run and who have small bodies with scabs that do not heal. The people look unwell. Ill. Tired and low on hope. They tread down a steep ravine daily to get their clean water. Little girls as young as three, make the trip alone to fill their water bottles. Trip after long trip, day after day. Weary bodies housing weary souls. Has God forgotten them? Is there a God?

In Kapchorwa, below the village of Mengya is a church of Jesus followers who have tasted life-giving, breathing water. The need in the village above is not so different from their own. Christ Glorious Church has more resources and they have dreams. They dream of taking the gospel of living water to this little village. They desire to put hands and feet to Jesus’ words by helping to provide clean water. They want to create a gravity water system so that the fresh mountain streams high above will pour water down to this thirsty village. They have a desire…a passion to follow Jesus in the practicality of meeting thirst. They lack knowledge and education to follow through with their dreams. The Thirst Project hopes to partner with them to provide some of the missing parts needed to accomplish their dreams for taking the gospel to Mengya.

The Thirst Project began with a similar desire. To use photographs to express the need of Uganda. The thirst of Uganda. It’s a Moses story of sorts…desire to help people but not feeling qualified to do the work. It’s a crawl before you run sort of story. The desire makes the team want to jump in and just start raising money for wells and installing them wherever people are thirsty. Then wisdom comes in and covers the desire with an impression that crawling must be done before walking or running. So, The Thirst Project is crawling now.

Crawling at this point is being educated about water systems from Lifewater. Lifewater is an organization committed to “equipping partner organizations and working with them to empower communities in developing countries to gain safe water, adequate sanitation, effective hygiene, and the knowledge of Jesus love.” Key people involved in The Thirst Project will be taking a course to understand how you walk into a culture that is not your own, and teach them how to use their own resources to improve their quality of life verses waltzing in and doing it for them. To inform, educate, and provide skills rather than create dependence and cripple initiative.

Crawling is fixing the existing wells that are in need of repair. In our zeal, we did run for a bit and put two wells in that are no longer functioning. What kind of message about Jesus does a broken well speak? It is on our agenda to repair these broken wells. The Thirst Project is committed to teaching the communities who house these wells how to maintain them and keep them fully functioning.

God is here. He is in this. You see his fingerprints in the orchestrating of details…four key people at a conference about water. A divinely appointed, yet impromptu meeting happened between David, Godwin, Dan Stevens (director of Lifewater) and Deleo Moses Ocen (director of Divine Waters, a Ugandan Lifewater partner). These key people are desire, passion, wisdom and knowledge put together. All the pieces needed for a complicated but inspired vision.
But, as much in our lives with God, there is waiting. Waiting to follow him. Watching to see where he moves first before jumping ahead.
The Thirst Project is crawling and waiting. But make no mistake, there will be stories coming your way of what it looks like to walk and then run. It will be exciting. It will be imperfect. It will be good. Follow the stories. Examine how God might want you to crawl, wait, walk and then run. Your story will look different. But it matters. We are all needed here.

Bravely Risk

By now most of us have seen Susan Boyle's performance on YouTube or Britains Got Talent. Whoever we are, wherever we've come from - I think we are moved by this clip of humanity. I wanted to dance watching this unlikely piece of talent open her mouth and turn jeering faces into open mouthed wonder. To see some one's dream come true right in front of you is uncommonly beautiful. Her voice was powerful. She paired her voice and life with the perfect song. She sang her heart through every word. Seeing the judges look past her outward appearance and be stunned by her vocal talent gave me a small measure of hope for our often shallow world and my often shallow self. As much as I loved ALL of this....my favorite part was watching Susan walk off the stage unaware that the judges were calling her back. It looked like she thought she had lived her dream and lived it well. Little did she know, her dream of singing in front of a large audience had been fulfilled and had just begun at the same time. Her little dance of unbelievable fortune was one of the most precious expressions of joy I have seen. Her life will never be the same for bravely risking to live out her dreams.

What if this story was true for you too?

I know it sounds too good to be true. Believe me, I know. The reason this story grabs our souls is that it is written down deep in each of us. To matter. To have such a powerful gift to reveal that the world will not be the same for our reveal. It is a hunger in me. In you, I believe. And IT IS TRUE of you. You do have such a gift to offer. Sometimes it's buried under ill-fitting clothes and a bad hair-do. Or sometimes under fear and disbelief. But it is there. You are there. And you are needed. There is only ONE of you. We need you.

Your gift may not be unwrapped by such a large audience as Susan's. But each time you offer your deep heart, your deep gift to even one person, the Christ in you touches the Christ in the other and each of are changed irreversibly.

My question is this: What do you long to offer to the world? To your friends, your family, your neighbors? And will you risk running after it in humility with God? I dare say if you do - when you think you've offered all you can - you'll have just begun.

This is the story behind the hearts of The Well Project. Each of us rising above pain and unbelief to offer our words, our music, our voices because it is the great love of our hearts and (we hope) a power for the good of Uganda.

Unforced Life

I want to write something today. Yet I don't have any great ideas.

I'll just share what's on my mind today. I don't know that it has a real link to The Well Project except that it appears to me that whatever God is doing in our hearts here...it is all somehow connected to the greater good of his kingdom. Africa, Oregon, New York, or China.

I have been reading a book recently that has changed my way of looking at church and community. I have long time been of the belief that church happens less in a building than it does in real life...walking your dog, having coffee with a neighbor, talking to the check-out lady at the grocery, or connecting with a long lost friend on Facebook. The kingdom that the Bible talks about seems to be all around us, just veiled a bit.

Back to the book. There was a paragraph that spoke to me. I'm going to paraphrase a bit.

So many times we try to figure out what we are supposed to "do" to be followers of Jesus. Spiritual disciplines, service, fellowship...or any other buzz word you want to insert. What if, instead, we focused our time and efforts on connecting intimately with Jesus? Not worrying about anything but soaking in His love?

I can hear the criticism already... That would be self-serving. That would be sticking our heads in the sand. You have to have the disciplines to experience God. And many others.

I disagree.

I have a feeling that if we were so consumed, overwhelmed, and enraptured with the love God has for us...our life in Him would pour out of us. Our love would be so true and unforced that we wouldn't have to try to love. We would love without thinking. Our frustrations with the people around us would be burnt up with the holiness that the love of Jesus provides. I think all the other buzz words I mentioned would come into alignment at the right time and in the right way if our hearts were set on Him.

That is what is banging around in my head today. I'm asking God to expand this in my heart and life. I hope it is of some value to your journey.

And for the record...I am not anti-organized church. I just believe it is part of the pathway we live with Jesus, not the crux of it...

I love your comments. Please share your thoughts.